Farmers Only: How About That Tractor
By Bekhi Spika
Beginning a conversation with someone new is never easy. Like lots of other people, I feel awkward when I meet someone for the first time and usually just end up talking about what I had for lunch today and what I plan to have for lunch tomorrow.
Thankfully (and I have no clue how I missed this before now), Farmers Only has a list of drop-down introductions that you can send to anyone on the site as a "flirt" message.
They range from the standard meet-and-greet:
You caught my eye.
Could you be my special someone?
I am interested in you. - AND - No. Wait. I am VERY interested in you :D
To the oddly specific:
I see you like John Deere too...want to compare tractors? -AND- I see you like Case too...want to compare tractors? (Farmers Only doesn't discriminate!)
Would you dance with me in the moonlight?
A farmer's tan is HOT.
I LIKE your truck — you're not half bad either LOL!! (Oh my, a modern day abbreviation even!)
To the seductively naughty:
I love you may be too strong...but WOW!
I think your tractor's sexy! Wanna go for a ride?
Cowboy up cuz cowgirls can!
As fantastic as these are, a few of the introductory flirts were more confusing than anything:
"Let's watch the stars...together!"
"...together!" seems to imply there's an alternate option that involves watching the stars alone, in the privacy of our own yards/farms, without pants on, and without the social anxiety of keeping your shit together when someone else is around. If this is the case, I sort of choose the "...not together!" option.
"Which is faster: You or your horse?"
First of all, is it in vogue for a man to be faster than his horse? No wonder modern-day men are feeling the burden of unrealistic expectations. And is there a benchmark number we're all striving toward? If anything, I want to make sure my man is slow and clumsy right up front so he can't escape.
"How many horses will fit in your barn?"
What the hell does this even mean? I can't help but think they're implying that "barn" is a euphemism for orifice (it's not just me — I took a poll on this matter). And since we've gone there — one. Just one horse in my barn. Now chickens, on the other hand...
"How about that tractor!!"
Tractor my ass. We all know what's really being said here.
While these flirty lines are really something else, I've never used them. I want my first message to the potential love of my life to convey that I'm funny and charming, playful with a side of mysterious, a real go-getter with a heart of gold, a little sassy, totally hot, a great hugger, and a rock 'n roll fanatic — all, of course, in less than 10 words. Needless to say, the closest I've gotten to saying all this in one sentence is, "Hey, how's your Saturday?"
Fortunately, I was hanging out with a friend of mine that's a real-life user of pickup lines. So, following the lead of the flirt notes that Farmers Only offers, we messaged 14 men with the most puntastic lines we could find. Here are a few of the best:
To the man with only a fishing photo: Hey baby, if I were a fish, I'd be hooked on you!
To the man with the super pouty face, hipster hoodie, and huge ass beard: Can I buy you a beard?
To the model-esque blonde with the greasy hair and devastating eyes: Nice hair, wanna mess it up?
To the other man with a fishing photo: Hey, I was so enchanted by you that I ran my boat into yours...sooooo I'm going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
And to the cutie pie with the big smile and Pabst Blue Ribbon hat: There must be a light switch on my head because every time I see you, you turn me on!
Any luck, you ask? Nope. One cutie did respond after we asked him, "Do you have any grapes?" that he was fresh out, so we followed up with, "Shoot...how about a date?" It got him to smile, but not much else, it seems.
It doesn't help that most of the men we messaged hadn't been online for over 2 months. It's kind of weird if you think about it...am I just wandering the corridors of opportunities past? With the digital world, you don't really know who's truly available and who got online once when they were drunk and has since forgotten that they created a profile.
I have one month left of my Farmers Only subscription, then I, too, will be one of those lost and lonely profiles that never see the amazing smackdown of pickup lines sent from a very lovely person. Who knows, I suppose. Maybe my life will cross paths with one of these cowboys down the road, and we can watch the stars...together!