Farmers Only: Wattup Ninja
Two weeks in and let's just say...Mom and I are still lonely on Farmers Only.
Mom is doing her best to help scoot things along. A few nights ago, I spent about an hour flipping through potential mates with her. I asked her to pick men out that she thought would be compatible with me, but I was really trying to get a feel for who she thought was a catch. Keep in mind, my mother is oftentimes called the sweetest, most reserved mom in Montana. And wouldn't you know it, the very first man she thought would suit "me" (ahem sure) was a shirtless cowboy with a 10-gallon hat and a 6-pack set of abs. Yes, Mom, you're on the right track.*
I saw that I'd gotten a few emails from some guys, so I asked Mom if she wanted to help me respond to one. I had her take the lead because I was pretty curious to see what she thought would be the first thing you should say to a potential future husband. She decided to write, "Thanks for your interest (as though this is a job opening that he's applying for...nice touch). Were you ever married? (...?) How well do you get along with your mother? (She scratched this and ended up just putting 'family.') Do you like horses, dogs, cats and goats?" And — send. Allllllright mom! I'm particularly interested in his stance on goats. Very important.
It was my turn to take the reigns and actually start some conversations (gasp!) with a few people. With a little help from my family and friends, I was able to message five men. I've heard that the best thing to do is to be yourself online, so I let my crazy shine. Instead of the usual, "Hey, how's it going?" intro, my emails began with things like "Wattup ninja!" and closed with gems: "A sense of humor is 20% of what I'm looking for in a man...the other 80% revolves around massage capabilities and techniques." Nailed it.
So things were moving right along...and then this happened. I'm not proud of the following story, but it must be shared.
I noticed a guy from Colorado on Farmers Only one night that I thought was pretty cute. I was with friends and had had a few Lemondrop martinis when I came across his profile, so I decided to NOT message him just yet. Lo and behold, the next night, a message showed up in my inbox from him that simply said, "Hey, you're pretty cute. How are things?"
I can only assume he saw me looking at his profile and decided to initiate something. My mind, of course, swung into heart eyes mode and imagined us singing around a campfire, watching the stars, and...other things. He's definitely the type of guy I'm attracted to, so I rather hastily responded, "Hey, right back atcha...you definitely caught my eye."
A few hours later, I got back online to see if he'd responded, but I couldn't find his message in my inbox. I did see, however, that I had two messages to him in my outgoing...
Okay, this is embarrassing. Like, severely humiliating. Turns out I was the one who sent the original message of "Hey, you're pretty cute," when I was a bit tipsy...then proceeded to respond to my own pick-up line with "Right back atcha!" He hadn't said boo to me.
Aaaaaaand I immediately blocked him because I could not bare the humiliation of him trying to clarify to me that I was in a one-sided conversation. ** Who needs a partner when you can just compliment yourself and send it right back, AMIRITE?
And so the saga forges on, and I continue to boldly go where no man has gone before...which apparently is into the depths of my heart. Oh well, there's plenty of time for me to navigate this final frontier of the most awkward and humiliating of all expeditions, the world of online dating.
*This is not true. I stick to my stance on 20% humor, 80% massage techniques. Abs are irrelevant.
**I ended up unblocking Mr. Colorado per a friend's suggestion, because if he finds my snafu endearing, then we're a match made in heaven. Still no response...